Six years before the project that would become “The Pa Letters,” Pa wrote a chapter in his Blue Collar Theology series on relationships. It belongs in this series as well, so I’ve included it in the end as a “beforeward”.

  • Blue Collar Theology - Relationships(upside down and backward)

by: Dan Conley, 12/2002

There are many things in this old world that if you don’t do them according to the prescribed directions you can wind up having some interesting problems. Like the construction contractor who forgot to tie down his load of plywood and later was picking it up off the freeway after it slid out of the back of his truck. Or my own mother, who soaked
pinto beans in baking soda to help get some of the “gas” out, then cooked them in a pressure cooker. The end result of this “minor goof” (i.e. using the pressure cooker without rinsing them) was an over pressurized cooker that blew off the metal cap on the lid of the cooker, and then proceeded to force beans out the small hole in the top of the lid, straight up to the ceiling. As I carried the cooker from the stove to the sink, at my mother’s rather excited request, I watched pinto beans splatter themselves helplessly on the ceiling above. Poor little beans, they never had a chance, their little fates were “ceil-linged”. When my son [yeah, that’s me -ed.] was about 10 years old he wanted to make a chocolate pie with meringue topping. It was supposed to be for Christmas or my birthday that year. Everything looked great until we sat down to cut the pie. Somehow the meringue had become so hard that we could lift it off the chocolate pie in one whole piece without it breaking. We had a good laugh, broke it into pieces and had chocolate pie with meringue chunks on the side, accompanied with a large glass of water. When we checked the recipe against what was actually done, we found that he had accidentally increased the amount of sugar by four times what was called for in the recipe. It was a good lesson on how missing small details and not double checking the instructions can drastically change the end result.

Most things that we get upside down and backward are only minor inconveniences. Others can cause serious bodily harm or even death. However, there are other areas of life where we get things upside down and backward that are not as obvious as the ones above, such as personal relationships. The damage and hurt that are the results of having an “upside down and backward” relationship can leave scars that may last a lifetime. We have personal relationships with people on a number of different levels every day. some are superficial, others are much deeper and more meaningful, but all of them are important! if you are a young adult between the ages of sixteen to twenty-five (or older) you’ve probably had a personal relationship (to some degree) with a member of the opposite sex. Most likely, you have talked to friends who have had relationships that have been good and those that have gone bad. It happens all the time. Boy meets girl (or girl meets boy), they get to know each other and the next thing you know they have either broken off the relationship or are living together to see if they are compatible. Those who live together may stay together for several years, but then break off the relationship. Others may go on to get married, but a large number of these divorce within a few years down the road of life. It’s a sad thing to see and even worse if you have the unfortunate experience of going through a divorce or separation after living with some one for several years. So why do most relationships go bad? First, we have been taught by many of our social systems a way of functioning in this world that excludes God as a intricate part of the picture. Today’s world of television, movies, social trends, tolerance issues and political correctness, has caused the true meaning of love to be distorted and lost to many people in today’s society. The emotional and physical pain, broken marriages, confused and unloved children, sexual immorality,
greed and selfishness are only a few of the problems caused by these distorted views of “love”. Next, having a relationship concept that generally excludes God’s Love, we will only have a selfish or “getting” relationship that is contrary to God’s Love which is a
“giving” Love. Our popular social love can satisfy us on a physical and emotional level, but only temporarily. Without God’s Love being the central focal point of a relationship we are left with a humanist om that cannot give the lasting fulfillment that we all want and need in a meaningful relationship..

Most relationships between a man and woman fail because either one or both of them enter it thinking that the partner will “fulfill” them. At first everything seems to be working out fine, but in time the feeling of being fulfilled fades away and becomes dull. What they thought was love has gone and because there is no strong “feeling of love”, they think that they no longer love each other and therefore go their separate ways. They part in search of some one else who might be able to fill the void left by a broken relationship, only to make the same mistake. What will it take to correct the problems caused by our “upside down” love concepts? It will take a complete reversal of our thinking, and actions in regard to what “love” really is and how/where to use it each day. To do this we need to consult the best and highest authority on love we can find. God!

Impossible? Think again!

“Beloved, let us Love one another, for Jove is from God: and every one who Loves is born of God and knows God. The one who does not Love does not know God, for God is Love. By this the Love of God was manifested in us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world so that we might live through Him. In this is Love, not that we loved God, but that He Loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also oughtto love one another.”

  • I John 4:7-11

This passage of Scripture tells us that; “…God is love.” and that makes Him the best source to consult. The Bible tells us about God’s personal love for us in that He sent His own Son Jesus, to die for our sins so we can have a renewed spiritual relationship with Him. That’s the first step, without having Christ as your Savior there is no access to God’s Love. The Scriptures go on to teach us that the love we receive from God, through Christ, is to be shared with every person we come in contact with.(This is sometimes easier said than done!). This includes our relationships between men and women, husbands and wives, children etc.. It is God’s Love versus what we generally observe as “love”in every day life. Okay, so what is SO unique about God’s love? To answer this we need to look at the way the word “love” is used in the Bible. There are three words used for love in the Scriptures. They are; eros, phileos and agape. All of these Greek words for love are often incorrectly translated into our English language as “love”. Actually, they describe three different types or levels of love. The first, eros (love), is used for sexual or physical love. Eros is also used in connection with people who desire too many material things in their life, such as Clothes, cars (I love my car!?), money and much more.(of everything!) The next, phileo love) is what we call “brotherly” love, or friendship. This one covers a broad area of
“tender affections”, emotions, psychological issues, getting along with other people, loving your pet cat or dog. The last, but not least, is agape (Love). This Love is best defined by the use of three definitions.

  1. An all encompassing love;
  2. Total giving without expecting anything in return;
  3. Looking for God’s best for others.

This kind of Love is not something we can do ourselves. It can only be obtained by a personal relationship with God through Christ. It is also the type of Love that God gives to us and wants us to give to every one around us.

Okay! So if these are the three types of love used in the Bible, which ones are used in our world today and in what order, if any? In most cases, only the first two kinds of love (eros and phileos) are represented by our world today. Sexual or material love are often the main focus of advertising, movies and personal relationships.It’s the “buy it because it will make you feel good”, idea. The movies have a unique way of making their spectators believe that how well you perform physical and sexual acts (eros) with your partner can be the ultimate high in a meaningful and lasting relationship. In real life this is nothing better than a bold faced lie made to look as if it were true! Phileo is used most often during the holiday seasons and in some political campaign issues. This is not to suggest that it is wrong to use brotherly love in these areas, but at times it is over used to the point of distortion. On rare occasions you may see examples of agape love portrayed in the media, but it is definitely not the normal focus of today’s information highway. If we examine the world around us,it is pretty easy to see that the order in which our society uses love would have to be:

  1. Eros
  2. Phileos
  3. Agape

If we examine Scripture, such as the 1st John passage used earlier in this study, the order in which God would have us express love would have to be:

  1. Agape
  2. Phileos
  3. Eros

The reason this is true is that in order to love each other as God has loved us we have to begin with His kind of Love, “Agape”. It just doesn’t work any other way. Other passages of Scripture that support this position such as First Corinthians 13 (the love chapter). Ephesians 5:22-33 which tells us that a man is to Love his own wife in the same manner that Christ Loved the church (i.e. those persons that believed in Christ). John 3:16-17 where it says that “God so Loved the World that He Gave His only Son…” All of these passages are talking about God’s Agape for us. There are many more passages to support this, but we need address the issue of relationships in light of what we have seen so far. If you want to have the best relationship you can possibly have with the people around you, no matter who they are, start by “looking for God’s Best for others”. The first reason this works so well (and I am speaking from personal experience) is because the best thing anyone can do for some one else, is to help them move closer to God, and do nothing that would draw them away from a clear spiritual relationship with Him. The second reason is that it forces “me” to get out of the way of what God wants. In other words, I no longer rely on just what I think should be done, but I use God’s standard of right and wrong (to the best of my ability) to determine what His best is for those around me. This may take some time in prayer, proper Bible study and counsel from those who know God’s word better than you do. But the responsibility is still yours, to determine how God wants you to handle each situation. A more practical way of putting God’s Agape Love into practice (especially in a dating relationship) is to ask yourself a couple of simple questions:

  1. What is my motive for going on a date with this person? If your
    honest answeris to fulfill a sexual desire, you need to “back off” and
    ask God’s help in redirecting your motive. Don’t misunderstand what
    we’re saying here! Sexual desires are not always wrong. Remember that God created them in the first place and for a good reason. Unfortunately, after sin entered mankind through Adam and Eve, our sexual drives suffered the consequences of that sin as well. Now we have to fight the wrong desires in order to maintain God’s best for the person we wish to be with.
  2. Are the activities we are planning to be involved in going to help or hinder us in looking for God’s best for each other? Again, we don’t want you to lock yourself in a closet! That’s just nuts! It’s also really dark if there’s no light in your closet. All we are saying here is “think” before you get involved with certain activities. The answer will be very clear when you allow God’s perfect “light” to show you the answer. By answering these two questions honestly, and by answering them as a dating couple, it will be easier to make the right choices.

Finally, keep in mind that God’s Love also includes a few other character values that will keep you on a “right - side - up” position. They are; truth and honesty at all times,  including your past.; respect and courtesy, respect the wishes of the parents, you’ll be amazed how this can help you to earn their trust. Respect the person you are with as one of God’s beautiful creations. Don’t do anything that would damage them spiritually,  emotionally, mentally or physically. To do so would not be an act of looking for God’s best for them. Last, but not least, keep Christ first in all that you do. Walk with Him and He will walk with you. Sincerely In Christ,
-Dan Conley