In homage to my dad, who passed away a year ago today, I’d like to publish one of his writings about when my grandfather passed, and his struggles with how to tell me. Thanks Pa, I love you.
For Dan Conley, December 28, 1949-June 1, 2018
How Can I Explain This To My Son?
(by: Dan Conley, c. late 1988)
Sunday, January 4th 1987 was Jeremy’s fourth birthday. His grandparents had driven up from Santa Cruz to wish their only grandson a happy birthday. They enjoyed watching him open his presents and simply be the normal active little boy that he has been for some time. Jeremy crawled up on his grandfathers lap several times and thanked him for the gifts and expressed his love for his grandfather. The day went quickly and soon it was time for grandma and grandpa to leave. Jeremy gave them both a big hug and a kiss, cried and waved goodbye.
Monday January 5th at 11:30 a.m. I got a phone call from my mom, my dad had had a heart attack and was being taken to the hospital. She said it didn’t look good and that she would call me after she had talked to the doctor. About 12:45p.m. my mom called… my dad was going to die at any time, it was only a matter of two or three hours.
I stopped what I was doing made a few quick phone calls to my brother and sister and my wife, then headed for Santa Cruz- a 1.5hr drive from our house. It was already 1:50pm by the time I left, and I knew there wasn’t much time.
As I was driving through the Santa Cruz mountains I couldn’t help but think that my dad had already passed away. I looked at the time, it was 3:09pm. I arrived at the hospital at 3:25pm and went straight to the ICU. By the time I arrived, my dad had already gone to be with his Lord and Saviour…shortly after 3pm.
My mom and I went back to their house Where I called my wife and tried to figure out how to tell Jeremy that his grandpa was no longer alive. There is no easy way to tell an adult about a loved one dying, but how do you tell a four year boy who had been sitting in his grandfather’s lap the day before, that his grandfather had gone to be with Jesus? Somehow, my wife managed to tell Jeremy. He cried. He wanted his grandpa and as expected wanted to know when grandpa was coming back. There were no easy answers.
All the funeral arrangements were made, the relatives notified, and the military honor guard confirmed that they would be there. The only thing left was figuring out what to do with Jeremy. I had no idea! At first I thought he should go to the funeral so he would not have any strange ideas about what had happened to my father. I’d heard of cases where people had been sheltered from seeing death and funerals when they were young, and it had made it difficult for them to deal with death later on in life. I had also heard of cases where taking a child to a funeral had left horrible scars and fear in a child because of the crying and sometimes uncontrolled emotions that can erupt at the death of a loved one. I didn’t want that to happen to Jeremy either! So how was I going to help my son to understand that his grandpa was in heaven even though his body was still here? And should Jeremy come to the funeral? I didn’t have the foggiest idea… until very early in the morning the day of the funeral.
Friday night before the funeral I went to the funeral home for the viewing. There were some deep concerns expressed by family members as to how I should handle Jeremy in this situation. Most seemed to think that I shouldn’t bring him to the funeral at all. Others voiced different concerns but the problem was still mine. I needed help and wise counsel.
Finally, I went in and talked with Mr. and Mrs. Spencer who I have known since my college days when I had worked and lived at their mortuary. Because of their sound Christian beliefs and the many years they have helped people during times of grief, I knew that they could help. Mrs. Spencer suggested that I keep Jeremy away from the funeral on Saturday because it could become too emotional for him to handle. She said it would be better to bring him in separately, when no one else was there, that way it would be a ”controlled” situation where Jeremy would not be influenced by the emotions of others. This way he could say his goodbyes to his Grandpa in his own way and I could give him my complete attention. I knew that what Mr. and Mrs. Spencer Were telling me was right. I had a deep peace about bringing Jeremy to see his grandfather the next morning. But how do I explain this to him?
I tossed and turned all night, more awake than asleep. I couldn’t think of a way to explain my dad’s death and going to heaven to my four year old son. Then it came to me like a voice, still and gentle yet filled with wisdom and simplicity. So simple that even a four year old could understand it. Praise God! I knew what to do!
Saturday morning, after getting dressed, I took a walnut and carefully opened it at the seam. I took out the walnut meat and broke it into little pieces. Then I put the walnut meat back into the shell and taped it back together. I was ready…at least I thought I was. I will never forget what happened between my son and I that hard, sad and beautiful morning of January 10, 1987.
I told my wife what I was going to do and she agreed, with a few proper concerns and fears for her son. But now it was time to go. Jeremy and I went down to a donut shop where he downed his favorite donut along with a small carton of milk. We went back to the car. ”Jeremy, if you could say goodbye to your grandpa one last time would you want to?” He looked up at me sitting next to him and said yes. ”Well, then, I have to explain something to you about what you will see when I take you to see him. He will not be able to talk to you or see you like he used to.” I went on a little bit more to be sure he knew something was different, then I asked him one more time if he still wanted to go see his grandpa. Again, he said yes.
Then I took out the walnut and started to explain how people were made up of a shell that you could see and good things on the inside that made up what a person really was. He listened closely as I explained. (I was the one trembling.) I continued to tell him that the good part of his grandpa was no longer inside grandpa. It had gone to heaven to be with Jesus. I opened the walnut and poured out the walnut meat. ”All the good part of grandpa has gone to be with Jesus,” I said. ”All you’ll see is grandpa’s shell. He won’t; be able to hear you or see you.” The conversation went on for a little while longer and then I asked Jeremy if he still wanted to go see grandpa’s ”shell”. He said yes. I put the empty walnut shell back in my pocket and started to put away the walnut meat I had poured out on a napkin when Jeremy asked, ”Dad, can I eat the walnut?”
I was stunned! There had to be something sacrilegious about eating the walnut meat that I had just used to explain my dad’s death. But I couldn’t think of any. Probably because there aren’t any… So Jeremy ate the walnut meat as I pondered the implications of what had happened, along with God’s use of a little boy to express His wisdom.
Next stop the funeral home. A few minutes later we were at the mortuary. We went into the lobby and took off our jackets. Jeremy was excited, there wasn’t a hint of fear in this four year old about where he was or what he was about to see. He looked around the lobby then said ”This is a nice house isn’t it?” I agreed, wondering what would happen next. He saw the doors to the chapel. ”Let’s go see what’s in there!”
He was still excited and unafraid, I was amazed! I picked him up and stood at the back of the chapel. I tried to point out the pretty lights and a few other things hoping to make Jeremy feel comfortable about being in a mortuary chapel. (Actually, he didn’t need it…I did!) All the time I was pointing out the beauty of the building, he had his eyes glued to the front of the chapel where my father was lying in a casket. He pointed toward the casket. ”Let’s go see what’s up there” He said quietly. I walked slowly toward the front and front pew. Jeremy was quiet for a few seconds. ”Is that grandpa? He asked. I said yes, and reminded him that it was only grandpa’s shell and that grandpa couldn’t talk to him or see him like he used to. The good part of grandpa was in heaven with Jesus. Jeremy was silent. He didn’t cry or even show any signs of fear. The Holy Spirit was at work in an unexplainable way.
We looked at the flowers and the flag-draped casket for awhile, with me trying to answer such questions as ”Why is grandpa in a box?” (So we can save his shell and keep it in a safe place) ”Where are grandpa’s feet?” (In the other end of the box. The casket was half closed) ”Why is there a flag on grandpa’s box?” (Because grandpa was in World War II. He was at Pearl Harbor when it was bombed many years ago.) There were other questions and a few tears because he didn’t like his grandpa being gone,but that was OK. I didn’t like it either.
Finally it was time to leave. I asked Jeremy if he would like to take a flower to remember his grandpa. He picked out a red carnation from one of the arrangements. I picked him up and we both said goodbye. I to my father and Jeremy to his grandfather. We were both sad but thankful that grandpa was in heaven with Jesus. When we got back to the lobby I put Jeremy down and with his own four year old enthusiasm he said ”Let’s go look at the rest of this place.” My thoughts spun, the gears of my mind shifting from fourth to reverse, without the use of a clutch, as I tried to figure out what had happened to that special time just moments earlier.
Where had it gone? I learned a lot from the Lord through my son that morning. As adults we have preconceived ideas about death and how our children will respond to it. Most of these ideas are based on our experiences, not theirs. What I thought was going to happen, didn’t (crying or uncontrolled emotion) Also, the mind of a child can comprehend and accept far more than we think if we allow Christ to control the situation, rather than our fears.
It has been over a year since that morning of Jan. 10, 1987. Jeremy has missed his grandpa. He’s cried from time to time, had some sad moments, but that’s normal. He hasn’t had any bad dreams about that day or seeing his grandfather in a casket. more importantly, Jeremy is glad his grandpa is in heaven with Jesus and when he prays at night he asks Jesus to say ”hi” for him. I believe God honors that little prayer.
And me? Hell, I know that I will never forget that week when my father passed away. A week, and a very special day in my life when the Spirit of God moved and spoke to me in a beautiful, yet simplistic way in order to carry me through a most difficult time in my life. Praise God for simple answers to large problems. And yes… I kept that empty walnut shell.
In memory of Clyde Edward Conley
July 28, 1919 — January 5, 1987